Gottman-informed Couple Therapy

The Gottman Method is a research-based approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. It is grounded in over 40 years of longitudinal research studying more than 3,000 couples to identify what distinguishes “masters” of relationships from “disasters”.

Core Framework: The Sound Relationship House

The method is built on the Sound Relationship House Theory, which identifies nine components of a healthy relationship:

• The Weight-Bearing Walls: Trust (acting in each other’s best interest) and Commitment (believing the relationship is for the long term).
• The Seven Floors:
  1. Build Love Maps: Maintaining an intimate, up-to-date knowledge of your partner’s inner world, history, and dreams.
  2. Share Fondness and Admiration: Regularly expressing appreciation and respect to build an “antidote for contempt”.
  3. Turn Towards Instead of Away: Responding to small “bids” for emotional connection, like a look or a comment.
  4. The Positive Perspective: Approaching conflict with a positive assumption rather than seeing errors as personal failures.
  5. Manage Conflict: Understanding that 69% of relationship problems are “perpetual” and cannot be solved, only managed through dialogue and self-soothing.
  6. Make Life Dreams Come True: Creating a supportive environment where both partners feel safe to share and pursue their individual aspirations.
  7. Create Shared Meaning: Building a shared “inner world” through rituals, roles, and a common life purpose.

The “Four Horsemen” of Relationship Distress

Gottman’s research identified four negative communication patterns that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy:

1. Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character rather than a specific behavior.
2. Contempt: Moral superiority, name-calling, or mockery (the single greatest predictor of divorce).
3. Defensiveness: Playing the victim or cross-complaining to deflect blame.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from interaction and shutting down.

The Gottman method focuses on teaching healthy communication skills that help with managing perpetual, gridlocked issues.  Practical tools are provided and coached by Dr. Colllins to improve communication, repair ruptures and learn to begin again when a rupture has occurred.  A critical skill is to slow down and learn to communicate with the goal of understanding and building empathy for your partner.  This may involve learning your nervous system threat response and how to support self- regulation so you can respond rather than react to your partner.

What to Expect in Therapy

• Assessment Phase: Typically involves a joint session, individual interviews with each partner, and extensive questionnaires (like the Gottman Relationship Checkup) to identify strengths and challenges.
• Therapeutic Interventions: Sessions focus on practical skills such as “softened startups” to discussions, learning “repair attempts” during fights, and building the friendship system.
• Format Options: While many couples attend weekly sessions, Dr. Collins offers intensives where couples can attend 3 hour sessions or 12 hour sessions over a weekend.  Dr. Collins also offers a 12 hours Couples Workshop on the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work which is a great way to understand and practice the skills identified by the Sound Relationship House model to prepare to continue couples’ therapy.

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